|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
“When we shift from a transactional mindset to one of giving, we transform our relationships into deeper, more meaningful connections.”
Since kindergarten, most of us have learned that compromise is key to finding common ground and making agreements. Over time, we view compromise as inherently virtuous.
We compromise to avoid disagreements or confrontations.
We compromise to gain acceptance and respect from others.
We compromise to avoid feelings of guilt.
We compromise because it’s easier or safer than taking a firm stand.
We compromise to avoid taking full responsibility for a decision.
We compromise because we’ve learned to use it as a coping mechanism in relationships and situations, to the point that we don’t notice it anymore.
In this article, which is part of a series on improved thinking, I share an alternative to compromise. An approach that has made me a more loving husband, father, and a better colleague.
First, let’s start with a working definition of compromise.
Compromise: Definition
In relationships, compromise is often defined as finding a solution that satisfies both parties’ needs and desires.
We often strive to meet halfway by following a three-step process:
- We consider different perspectives to understand the other person’s needs and wants.
- We seek common ground to find solutions that incorporate elements of what we both want.
- We adjust or needs and wants to find a solution that both like.
The Ripple Effect of Compromise
Compromise, while often seen as a diplomatic solution, has profound implications for our personal development and growth.
Resentment: When we use compromise as our default mode, we start feeling bitter because our needs are never really met.
Stagnation: When we compromise, we often stop growing and exploring new things because we use our energy to avoid conflicts.
Superficial connections: When relationships rely on compromise, they feel shallow and less genuine.
Compromise in close relationships feels like a zero-sum game. It forces each person to give up something, which eventually leads to feelings of resentment or dissatisfaction.
One downside of compromise that often goes unnoticed is that we miss the gift of simply receiving without the urge to give back.
Definition: The Gift of Giving
The term “The of gift of giving, or gift” in this context refers to an alternative approach to relationships that contrasts with compromise.
The idea of a “gift” advocates giving freely from a place of love, understanding, and genuine concern for the other person’s happiness.
Instead of focusing on what I will lose by compromising, I recognize how giving freely improves my relationships.
The Benefits of Giving In Relationships
I used to view relationships as a transaction. I would only give if I received what I wanted first. Then I realised that giving is not a transaction, it’s a gift.
Showing up in my relationships with a gift mindset has been one of the most powerful ways to reframe my relationship with life’s challenges and opportunities.
When I made the shift from compromising to giving, I had to rethink everything I thought I knew about relationships.
Initially, it was difficult to understand that giving stems from love, not the extent of the other person’s willingness to compromise.
When I began treating life’s decisions and actions as gifts that are mine to give instead of compromises, everything changed for me.
I feel more positive and connected when I give then when I compromise.Rather than feeling I am losing something, I am giving something valuable.
Here’s what I experience:
Increased Fulfillment and Satisfaction
By framing my choices as gifts, instead of feeling deprived or restricted, I feel empowered to contribute something valuable.
Deeper Connections
When I give, I create more meaningful relationships.
Personal Growth
Every “gift” I give is an opportunity for growth. Whether it’s time, energy, or resources, these acts challenge me to develop new skills, expand my comfort zone, and discover hidden strengths.
Reduced Stress and Resentment
Seeing challenges as opportunities to give reduces feelings of stress and resentment. By focusing on what I give rather than what I’m losing, I become more constructive.
Greater Sense of Purpose
When I give willingly to others, I develop a stronger sense of purpose and meaning in life. Knowing that my actions positively impact others is incredibly rewarding.
What Giving is Not
Doormat Behavior
Giving does not make me a doormat. It doesn’t come from a place of constantly pleasing at the expense of my well-being.
Self-Sacrifice
Giving does not leave me feeling depleted or taken advantage of. True giving comes from a place of abundance and a desire to support.
A Transaction
When we as partners reduce interactions to transactions rather than expressions of love and care, we create an environment where we constantly keep score.
A transactional mindset is a cancer that spreads negativity and weakens the emotional health of a relationship, ultimately leading to its decline.
Ignoring Needs
Giving doesn’t mean ignoring my own needs or happiness.
In a healthy relationship, when I give, it feels like a gift, not a burden.
Patronising
Giving does not make me feel “I am doing something for you” rather, we are working together as equals.
The best gift is based on respect and understanding for the other person’s needs.
A Power Play
Giving isn’t about manipulating or control the other person. It’s about creating a relationship that’s supportive and respectful of both.
Always the Answer
Compromise is not always a bad thing.
There will be times when compromise is the best solution to address a situation.
Easy
Creating space for someone even when you love them and giving often means stepping outside your comfort zone.
I need to understand my wife’s needs deeply and with empathy. This takes time, and as her needs change, I must remain flexible and open to those changes. It’s not always easy.
Why Giving is So Challenging?
I used to struggle with the concept of giving, especially in close relationships, because it challenged a lot of my deeply ingrained beliefs.
Here are a few reasons I found giving to be difficult that you will recognize:
Self-Centered Mindset
In a culture that promotes individualism and self-interest, prioritizing someone else’s needs over mine feels counterintuitive.
Everywhere I look, I am told to focus on my dreams and goals.
Work harder, hustle more.
If I don’t focus on myself, I’ll never reach my goals.This is a lie. Success without someone to share it with leads to a life of quiet desperation.
Having things without sharing it with someone feels empty.
The self-centered lacks empathy and consideration for others.
Lack of Self-Care
On average, people spend about 4 to 6 hours per day on their cellphones.
If I miss out on taking the steps to maintain my physical, emotional, and mental health, I have nothing to give.
I can’t pour from an empty cup.
My cup is not half full or empty; it’s refillable, and it’s my responsibility to refill it.
Self-care starts with setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and ensuring I have the energy and well-being to support and care for others.
Self-care is not selfish; it’s an absolute necessity if I aspire to be more present and supportive in my relationships.
Fear of Vulnerability
Giving requires me to be vulnerable. Every day. I have to open myself up to the possibility of being taken advantage of or not having my efforts reciprocated.
Sometimes it scares the hell out of me. Any type of fear will create a barrier to genuine giving if I allow it.
That little voice in my head says, “You’ll get hurt” or “You’ll look weak.”
But my heart knows better, so I keep giving.
Lack of Trust
Trust plays a crucial role in the ability to give freely.
I experienced hurt in the past. Rebuilding trust when I meet my wife was tough, causing me to lean towards compromise rather than giving in the beginning.
I have no assurance that my wife will not take advantage of my vulnerability.
Trusting is like planting a seed. All I can do is nurture it, and trust that it will grow into something beautiful.
Limited Resources
Since time, energy, and resources are limited, I am protective of what I have.
I experienced burnout twice. Therefore, I sometimes hesitate to give because I’m worried about running out of energy or resources.
Whenever I hesitate, I think about the times I didn’t give how much I regretted it.
Misunderstanding True Giving
I use to confuse giving with self-sacrifice.
To me, giving meant neglecting my own needs and well-being, leading to burnout and resentment. Later, I learned burnout does not come from giving, but from poor boundaries.
True giving comes from a place of abundance and mutual respect, not self-neglect.
When I give, I feel energized and more alive.
Social Conditioning
Since I was young, my father and adults around med taught me that relationships are transactional.
It took me many years to break this limiting belief, making it difficult to embrace giving and expecting nothing in return.
Today I treat my father’s words like any other limiting belief and give, anyway.
Emotional Baggage
I had a lot of unresolved emotional baggage that held me back from giving.
Unresolved emotional baggage was leaving me drained, unable to give or receive without reservations.
I realized that to contribute to my relationships; I needed to acknowledge and work on my emotional triggers and emotional intelligence.
It’s a work in progress, and I give anyway.
Lack of Awareness
Often, I am simply not aware of the power of giving. I don’t realize how the transformative nature of giving can be and the impact it has on my relationships and personal growth.
Without self-awareness, I often default to compromise and miss out on the deeper connection that giving fosters. So, I regularly ask my wife and kids what they need.
The Nature of Giving
Giving represents a shift from a mindset focused on balancing exchanges and keeping score to one that emphasizes genuine care, empathy, and unconditional support.
The act of giving is the ultimate display of compassion and understanding. Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more rare in our individualistic society.
Giving Encourages Self-Reflection
When I pay attention to my wife, kids, and patients’ needs, I see things from their point of view.
Giving makes me reflect on what truly matters to me and those I love. Am I giving my time, energy, or resources to things that align with mine and their values?
Giving Fosters New Skills
When I give, I find new and creative ways to make room for others.
The perfect gift comes from truly understanding what the other person needs and provide the space for them to fulfill those needs.
In order to give I had to strengthen my communication skills, which has improved my relationship in other areas as well.
Giving Builds Trust and Intimacy
When I give, I prioritize important needs and desires. This shows through gestures of respect and commitment. This fosters trust and emotional intimacy.
Giving Breeds Appreciation and Growth
Giving creates a cycle of appreciation. My wife often reciprocates my generosity, creating a positive and supportive environment.
Giving creates a positive feedback loop, which motivates me to keep giving. It’s a natural source of dopamine without negative side effects.
Final Thoughts
In most relationships, we start with compromise. It’s what we learned as children and is our default setting.
It’s a game of “Can I trust you?”
Unfortunately, many of us remain stuck, only knowing compromise.
When we compromise, it becomes a habit.
Most of us use compromise to solve problems, meet our needs, and decide about our relationships.
However, when we give, we are learning how to love.
Giving creates a more thoughtful, understanding, and compassionate person.
I’ve made compromises that left me with a knot in my stomach and a sense of regret. But every time I have given from the heart, I’ve never had an uneasy feeling. Instead, I felt calm and at peace.
Take a moment to rethink the way you show up in your relationships.
Have you ever thought about how it feels to give vs. compromising?
What becomes possible if you see every encounter as an opportunity to give instead of compromise?