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“True fulfillment comes not from the possessions we accumulate, but from the person we are becoming. While having things may satisfy momentary desires, becoming our best selves creates lasting positive impact on those around us.”
When was the last time you felt truly fulfilled?
Was it after buying something you wanted, or during a moment of self-reflection, learning, or personal growth?
The distinction between having and becoming is essential for self-discovery and personal growth.
When we examine our choices through this lens, we uncover unhealthy past decisions made in pursuit of having more.
Imagine waking up each day looking forward to the process of becoming, rather than chasing fleeting desires and achievements.
Most find it challenging to step back from the attention-grabbing nature of the digital age to prioritize self-reflection, genuine connection and intrinsic motivation.
It’s understandable, because becoming is a journey filled with moments of doubt and uncertainty, but also moments of clear and powerful breakthroughs in understanding.
The Big Idea
Shifting focus from “having” (accumulating possessions and achievements) to “becoming” (Focusing on the journey to personal growth and development).
The Biology of Wanting
Throughout our evolutionary past, survival depended on acquiring and maintaining resources.
Fast forward to today’s world of abundance, the brain remains psychologically wired to accumulate and possess.
The Destructive Cycle of Consumerism
Companies compete for our attention by exploiting our biological drives and desire for acceptance through advertising, product placement, and social media.
They understand that simply seeing something desirable triggers dopamine in our brains—creating a difficult-to-break cycle of wanting.
Once we get what we want, we quickly move on to wanting something else.
Having vs. Becoming in Work
In ancient human groups, individual competences were essential for both personal survival and contributing to the group’s wellbeing.
In the professional world, the focus on having often leads to a pursuit of material possessions, titles, and recognition.
While these can provide a temporary sense of accomplishment, countless studies have shown they do not make us happy.
The focus on becoming, on the other hand, involves developing our skills, knowledge, and expertise.
We strive to become experts in our field, to make a positive impact, and to contribute to the world around us.
Have you ever considered how focusing on learning and growth, rather than chasing promotions, will affect the way you relate to work?
Having vs. Becoming in Life
In life, the focus on having leads to a materialistic and superficial existence.
Chasing after possessions, experiences, and validation, rarely bring happiness.
Millions are trapped in a sea of virtual entertainment and validation, compulsively refreshing their screens for likes and follows.
In this digital void, our focus and self-worth erode, leaving a trail of emptiness and anxiety—and we try to fill this void with the very behaviors that created it in the first place.
Focusing on becoming fosters inner peace, mindfulness, and gratitude because it shifts our attention away from the destructive cycle of constant wanting and accumulation.
The path of becoming helps us avoid getting trapped in the digital void of seeking constant validation and entertainment, which often leads to emptiness and anxiety.
Instead of measuring self-worth through material achievements, we now prioritize meaningful purpose and values that create positive change in the world.
Through this process, we develop greater resilience, gratitude, and inner drive.
What aspects of your life would change if you focused more on who you’re becoming rather than what you’re accumulating? How would this shift impact your daily choices and long-term goals?
Having vs. Becoming in Relationships
We have devalued love by normalizing the treatment of potential partners as commodities to swipe through and collect.
Our superficial approach to love is particularly problematic because we reduce human connection to superficial attributes—photos and bios that showcase what we have rather than who we are becoming.
Behind the perfect smile and hair, the pictures of us doing yoga or hiking in nature, the dating app doesn’t show our hangups, childhood drama, addictive behaviors, and that we are not so easy to get along with.
By playing the swiping game, we make ourselves disposable, easily replaced by the next match.
To make matters worse, the endless swiping creates an illusion of infinite options, reinforcing the idea that there’s someone better out there.
The way we relate to dating has created a whole generation suffering from “choice analysis paralysis”—not just on dating apps, but in life and work.
The overwhelming number of choices has eroded patience while dramatically increasing stress levels.
The gamification of dating turns matches and messages into mere trophies to collect. This “having” mindset takes over, replacing any real desire for genuine or deeper connections.
The having mindset seeks a partner to complete us, fulfill our needs, or provide us with status and security. This often leads to a sense of attachment and dependency.
We have created a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, as no external source can provide what we’re looking for.
In contrast, focusing on becoming explore our best selves without distractions and excess. A transition that helps us develop our strengths and heal our wounds.
This approach fosters healthier, more authentic, and fulfilling relationships as we connect with others from a place of deeper understanding and mutual growth.
Take a moment to reflect:
Do you approached relationships as a transaction focusing on what you can get from it, or an opportunity self-Improvement and growth?
Transitioning From Wanting to Becoming
How can I shift from the addictive behavior of wanting to the transformative path of becoming?
This was the first question I asked myself when I recognized that the first 30 years of my life had been a series of misguided attempts to be happy.
In my journey, I found four proven psychological concepts that were crucial for transitioning from a having to a becoming mindset.
Social Psychology
I’m not an island. Everything I think and do comes into being through others.
My thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and how they change over time, is based on who I am around, societal norms, and group dynamics.
Learning about social psychology helped me recognize and overcome societal pressures that were reinforcing my having mindset.
What drives your life choices? Do they align with what matters to you in the long run?
Understanding Limiting Beliefs
Identifying and addressing my internal beliefs that kept me stuck in a having mindset was crucial.
These beliefs were preventing me from embracing personal growth and change.
What limiting beliefs keep you anchored to old behaviors and habits hindering change that will make you happy?
Psychology of Habit Formation
Most of us want better lives, but only a fraction are willing to block time in our calendars to understand the psychology of habit formation.
Understanding how habits form and change has been absolutely crucial for my transition from a life of wanting to one of becoming.
The majority of your daily behaviors and actions are driven by habitual patterns rather than conscious decision-making.
Therefore, this is where you must begin.
Personal improvement and transformation will never happen without addressing and changing your ingrained habits that no longer serve your values and goals.
The brain is fundamentally simple and requires very little training. We are the ones who overcomplicate it.
What daily habits are currently shaping your life, or moving you closer to becoming the person you want to be, and which ones are holding you back?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is one of psychology’s most evidence-based treatments In history.
Over 2,000 peer-reviewed studies demonstrate CBT effectiveness in changing destructive thought patterns.
A better life starts with better thinking.
As a side note, I never saw a therapist.
Instead, I read everything I could get my hands on about the practical applications of CBT.
By understanding the mental process by which thoughts influence behaviors and emotions, I was able to recognize and modify negative thought patterns that affect my well-being.
Social psychology, limiting beliefs, habit formation, and cognitive behavioral therapy work together to support the transformation, as they address both internal psychological barriers and external social influences that keep most trapped in the having mindset.
Can you identify specific thought patterns that drive your desire for accumulation rather than growth?
Closing Thoughts
Entire lives are wasted chasing more of the very things that are ruining our lives in the first place.
In life, work, and love, our constant wanting creates an illusion that every unknown option is better—somehow more worthy of pursuit and possession, like another hit of our preferred drug.
In reality, we understand very little about the downsides of these alternatives.
What I wish I’d known earlier is that the having and becoming mindsets can not coexist because they operate on fundamentally different principles and motivations.
Does this mean you shouldn’t buy a nice car or house? Not at all. However, the having mindset is driven by quick rewards and external validation, constantly pushing us to acquire more things for the wrong reasons.
This creates a perpetual state of wanting that makes it difficult to focus on the slower, more introspective process that leads to personal growth.
Meanwhile, the becoming mindset requires patience, self-reflection, and acceptance of the present moment – qualities directly undermined by the restless nature of wanting and having.
When we’re caught up in the cycle of acquisition, we rarely have the mental space or emotional capacity to engage in meaningful personal development.
We are simultaneously accelerate and brake – creating internal conflict rather than harmony.
After 30 years of blaming others, I finally realized I was the architect of my own suffering.
It’s still a work in progress—especially when my brain registers shiny new toys, services, or products that promise to change my life.
Whenever my brain tries to trick me into falling into this trap, I imagine myself on a giant treadmill.
In that moment, I see myself moving forward without making real progress, oblivious to the fact that I’m staying in the same place.
Unaware of how quickly I adapt to new achievements and return to my baseline level of happiness, I remain trapped pursuing fleeting pleasures in a futile attempt to maintain my contentment.
It’s not pretty, and I feel foolish, but I remind myself that certainty is not an absolute truth. It exists somewhere between a feeling, a mood, and a limiting belief.
My life is a byproduct of the only persuasion that exists—self-persuasion.
Make no mistake: examining rigid opinions and fixed beliefs about how things should be is uncomfortable—yet sitting with that discomfort nourishes my soul.
You are your biggest commitment in life.
If you’re not functioning, sooner than later, everything will fall apart—your relationships, work, and health.
A
When was the last time you paused to examine your thought patterns? And to what extent are you caught in an endless cycle of wanting and having, or are you becoming the person you would want to have a relationship with?
The answer will reveal more about your current path than any status or possession ever will.
Thank you for reading!
If you found value in my observations, please share them with others.
My mission is to add value and make a positive change in the world, and your support means a lot.