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In this article, we explore:
- The psychology behind comparison and its impact on our well-being
- Common misconceptions about quieting the comparing mind
After reading this article, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of:
- How to recognize and manage the comparing mind
- The benefits of shifting focus from comparison to self-improvement
- Techniques for cultivating mindful self-compassion
“Comparison is the thief of joy and the architect of confusion and doubt.”
The comparing mind, a relentless judge and critic, used to plague me with doubt, crippling me with confusion, making me question my abilities and my loved ones.
The comparing mind fixates on deficiencies. It triggers feelings of inadequacy or arrogance. By highlighting obstacles and potential failures, it reinforces a distorted self-image.
For years, I woke up and fell asleep to a destructive inner dialogue.
It wasn’t until I owned up to my feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and dissatisfaction that I was able to make a positive change in my life and relationships.
Let’s start with a working definition of comparison in the context of self improvement and personal growth.
Definition: Comparison
Comparison often refers to the tendency to assess one’s own abilities, attributes, or circumstances in relation to those of others. Comparing involves evaluating skills, achievements, physical appearance, social status, or material possessions.
The Big Idea
“To develop a practice of mindfully recognizing comparison when it arises, without reacting impulsively.”
The Psychology of Comparison
From a psychological perspective, comparison is a natural human tendency, deeply ingrained in our nature.
Comparison is a fundamental cognitive tool that has been essential for survival throughout human history.
Healthy comparison allows us to evaluate our environment, assess risks and opportunities, and make informed decisions that impact our well-being.
We have been comparing since the dawn of our existence and will continue to do so for our remaining time on Earth.
It’s an operational program running in the background while we go about our lives.
Recognizing and comparing potential opportunities have led to innovation like the cell phone and the internet.
With that said, excessive or negative comparison has a detrimental effect on our state of mind and wellbeing.
Constant comparing of ourselves to others makes us insecure about our own identity and value.
When we feel we don’t measure up, two factors are often at play: comparison and evaluating ourselves by someone else’s standards.
Imagine a world where pursuing the traditional trappings of the American Dream — the big office, the big house and a fancy car—is considered a mark of personal failure.
Instead, being vulnerable, authentic, and working only as much as needed is regarded as a sign of success.
In such a world, we’d no longer measure our worth against the American Dream.
In my observations, the comparing mind is never satisfied. It constantly wants something more, something better, no matter what I accomplish.
The problem is not the comparing mind itself, but the confusion it creates, clouding judgment and obscuring needs.
It took me a long time to recognize how and when this process takes place.
Then I realized:
When I dwell on past regrets or worry about future events, I fall into a destructive comparison trap that erodes a healthy sense of self.
Misconceptions About Quieting the Comparing Mind
Misconception:
Quieting the mind eliminates thoughts.
Reality:
Quieting the mind doesn’t eliminate thoughts.
It’s about noticing thoughts without getting caught up in them.
It’s impossible to stop thoughts from coming.
They’ll keep coming like waves on a shore.
The key is to observe thoughts as they come and go, like waves on a shore, without judgment.
Misconception:
Comparison is always harmful.
Reality:
While excessive, destructive comparison is detrimental, some healthy comparison is crucial.
The gap between present and future self can motivate you to strive for improvement.
The key is to compare yourself to your past self, not others.
Misconception:
Quieting the mind makes you emotionless.
Reality:
A calm mind allows you to better understand and feel your emotions.
It helps you to understand and process your emotions without getting overwhelmed by them.
Misconception:
Quieting the mind is a life hack, or a quick fix.
Reality:
Quieting the mind is a lifelong practice.
It requires consistent effort and patience.
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see results immediately, or get caught up in comparison.
Be kind to yourself and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
From Comparison: To self-compassion
What happens to my sense of dissatisfaction when I stop comparing myself to others?
Is attachment to negative attitudes and reactions possible without comparison?
What happens to my craving for external approval and validation that fuels self-doubt and anxiety when I silence the comparing mind?
I’d like to invite you to explore these questions to gain a more empathetic perspective on comparison.
Understanding the Source of Comparison
I have learned that it’s difficult, if not impossible, to change what I don’t understand or accept.
Therefore, I focus on understanding and accepting the source of comparison and the feelings and experiences linked to it without judgment.
Self-compassion allows me to be kinder to myself and reduces my need for comparison.
The feeling of being enough emerged when I acknowledged that there is no need for comparison, because everyone, including myself, has their own unique path and hurdles to overcome.
Embracing Imperfections and Vulnerability
When I started acknowledging and embracing my imperfections as a husband, father, colleague, and friend, the suffocating weight of my self-criticism finally lifted, leaving me feeling lighter and free.
As I move forward in life, I accept that practice and learning are far more valuable than the external validation I used to seek in all of my roles.
Shifting Focus
When I shifted my focus from comparison to mastery of thought and behavior, it presented me with a distinct reality:
My joy arises from feeling accepted, not from constantly seeking approval.
A powerful question I ask myself whenever the voice of comparison creeps in is:
Is it more important to me to be liked or to be loved?
Overcoming the Comparing Mind
Overcoming the comparing mind is not about doing more, but letting go.
It’s about replacing our deeply ingrained need to compare with acceptance. We must shift from a mindset of constant comparison to one of self-acceptance.
Comparison is a visitor, and I am the one allowing it to stay. This is the first truth I had to accept in order to overcome the comparing mind.
Cultivating Mindful Self-Compassion
On days when the nagging feeling of comparison sets in, whispering doubts and insecurities, I remind myself to pay attention.
The goal isn’t to eliminate comparison entirely, but to become more aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise from it.
I use all strong emotions as a trigger to practice self-compassion.
Accepting Imperfections and Vulnerability
I accept and embrace my imperfections and vulnerabilities, which, of course, like me, are a work in progress.
Calming the voice of comparison and loosening the grip of self-judgment, I embrace a more realistic view of myself and others.
Focus on Your Own Journey
Rather than comparing myself to others, I focus on my progress and growth.
I strive to establish my own standards and take pride in my personal achievements—no matter how small.
I focus on three key areas: autonomy, relatedness, and competence.
Authority over my life, forming meaningful connections, and being capable and effective in my actions, that it!
Social Media: a Breeding Ground for Comparison
Before I quit social media, I hadn’t realized that I was immersed in a breeding ground for comparison, constantly being exposed to idealized images and unrealistic expectations.
The rise of social media amplifies societal standards and fostering a culture of constant comparison.
Social media and commercials distort our perception of self-worth by showcasing only life’s highlight reel.
From my observations, this has led to detrimental effects on mental health that we are only beginning to understand.
Final Thoughts
Quieting my comparing mind has been a transformative practice that has led me to a more peaceful way of being in the world.
When I observe without judgment, by redirecting my focus inward, I have noticed greater self-acceptance.
Investing time and effort into this practice has been one of the most rewarding decisions I’ve ever made.
It has not only improved my mental well-being but also enhanced my relationships and overall quality of life.
When tempted to fall back into comparison—which still happens—I remind myself of the intricate nature of quieting my comparing mind.