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“The journey to better relationships begins with observing without judgment, feeling without shame, identifying needs without demands, and making requests without ultimatums.”
In the past, I struggled with effective communication. Emotional reactivity and a lack of self-awareness often marred my interactions.
My feelings and emotions would overwhelm me and overpower my ability to communicate clearly, peacefully
and constructively.
My triggered state of mind led to misunderstandings, conflicts, and strained relationships in both personal and professional settings.
Today, I connect with others through empathy, while using pragmatic thinking to focus on practical solutions and outcomes.
In this article, I will share how I transitioned from mindless communication to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Pragmatic Thinking to foster understanding, empathy, and effective problem-solving.
A Model for constructive Conversations
The Nonviolent Communicator is guided by empathy, compassion, and understanding in all interactions with others.
The pragmatic thinker focuses on immediately understandable and implementable real-world solutions.
A decade ago, I asked myself the following life changing question:
“What becomes possible if I merge these two approaches?”
The combination of these two powerful approaches has allowed me to:
- Empathetically understand others’ perspectives and needs.
- Focus on practical, real-world solutions.
- Effectively solve problems by considering both emotional and practical aspects.
- Conduct constructive conversations that lead to actionable outcomes.
I sometimes get the question: “Where should I begin if I want to break the habit of making harmful assumptions and interpretations?”
My answer is always the same: start with self-observation throughout your day, pause and notice your thoughts, feelings, and reactions without judgment.
Keep a communication journal where you write challenging interactions and analyze them using the NVC framework (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request—more on these in a moment).
Observation
Describing the situation without judgment
Accurate observation, described without judgment or blame, is the first step in the NVC model and the antidote to strained conversations.
When I started stating only what I directly observe or hear, I avoided many assumptions and interpretations.
This became the tipping point that changed the way I communicate for ever.
Imagine you’re in a long-term relationship, and your partner has been spending more time with friends or working and less time with you. This is causing feelings of neglect and loneliness.
Using NVC and Pragmatic Thinking you observe without judgment: Instead of saying, “You never spend time with me anymore,” try, “I’ve noticed that we haven’t had a date night in a few weeks.”
Note to Self
- State only what you can directly observe or hear
- Avoid any assumptions or interpretations
- Focus on factual descriptions of events or situations
By sticking to observable facts, you avoid potential misunderstandings or conflicts that often arise from emotional subjective interpretations.
Feeling
Identifying and expressing emotions honestly
Once I have expressed my observations, it’s time to identify and express my emotions honestly in response to the context.
Here I share how the situation affects me emotionally, using “I” statements.
Continuing with our example of a long-term relationship and feelings of neglect and loneliness, you might express yourself like this:
“When we don’t spend quality time together, I feel neglected and lonely.”
Note to Self
- It’s your responsibility to identify your emotions in response to a situation or event.
- It’s your responsibility to express your feelings and emotions honestly
- It’s your responsibility to express to share how the situation affects you.
- Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings,
Identifying and expressing your emotions is crucial for both nonviolent communication and pragmatic living.
There’s simply no alternative.
Needs
Identifying underlying needs driving feelings
By identifying the underlying needs driving my feelings and emotions, I pinpoint the unmet needs causing these feelings. For example:
“I need connection and companionship in our relationship.”
Note to Self
- Focus on identifying the root cause of your feelings and needs, rather than the surface-level emotions.
- Remember; needs are universal and shared by all humans. This knowledge will help you foster empathy and understanding.
- Express your needs directly, and without making demands or passing negative judgments.
By identifying and articulating your underlying needs clearly and specifically, you create a foundation for better understanding and more constructive dialogue.
Request
Making clear, specific requests aligned with needs
A clear and specific request addresses my needs, without demands or negative judgments.
For example:
“Would you be interested in planning a date night this weekend?”
Note to Self
- Make it concrete and specific.
- Ensure it addresses your needs without demands or blame.
- Remain open to discussing the needs of others.
Making clear, specific requests that align with your needs and values is a crucial skill that will lead to deeper understanding and more productive conversations.
Active Listening
Empathizing and gathering information
In every imaginable conversation, I empathize and seek more information to ensure that I understand the other person’s needs and perspective.
The primary purpose of communication is to understand the other person’s needs and values.
Listen attentively to your partner’s perspective. The aim is to understand their reasons for spending more time with friends and any challenges they might be facing.
Note to Self
- Your aim is to gain a deeper understanding of the other person’s viewpoint.
- Gather additional information that applies to the conversation
- Listen and talk with respect and consideration for the other person’s feelings and needs
Active listening and empathy form two additional crucial pillars of constructive conversations.
Brainstorm Solutions Together
Shared goals and common objectives
Every time I focus on our shared humanity, I steer the conversation away from blame or judgment, creating more productive discussions.
Discuss potential solutions that will benefit both you and your partner. For example, scheduling regular date nights, taking a weekend trip together, or simply spending more quality time at home.
Note to Self
- Align your efforts towards common goals.
- Steer the conversations away from blame or judgment.
- Lead productive discussions by example.
- Be part of the solution, not the problem.
In every conversation, find one or more shared goals by looking beyond your initial emotional triggers.
Evaluate Pragmatically
Assessing feasibility and consequences
When communicating, my initial impulse is to react emotionally, often neglecting to evaluate potential outcomes and realistic implementation within the constraints of available resources and time.
Consider the practicality of each solution and the potential impact on your relationship.
Note to Self
- Remember that your first reaction is often to get triggered and forget to evaluate potential outcomes realistically.
- Evaluate potential outcomes pragmatically, considering realistic implementation and tangible results.
- Maintain high empathy while assessing the consequences.
NVC, coupled with practical problem-solving, ensures that solutions are both implementable and considerate of all parties involved.
Agree on a Plan
Collaborating on actionable steps
A crucial component of effective communication is aligning expectations and establishing clear guidelines.
When we cannot agree on shared responsibilities, we set the stage for future problems.
Establish clear guidelines and work together to create a plan that addresses your needs and strengthens your relationship.
Note to Self
- Make sure that everyone involved understands their role in the solution
- That there’s a clear distribution of responsibility
- All parties are invested in the outcome
When you explicitly address shared responsibilities, you create a framework that allows for more effective implementation of solutions and stronger collaboration, which can be tracked more effectively.
You Can’t Do a Don’t
“You can’t do a don’t” is a common expression in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that has stuck with me.
When I ask my wife, children, or coworkers not to do something, I’m providing no information about what I need.
In my observation, most people interpret a “don’t” request as a restrictive command, triggering triggers feelings of shame, guilt, or resentment, creating defensiveness and resistance.
Framing my communication in terms of needs rather than prohibitions creates an opportunity for others to meet my needs.
By expressing my needs and encouraging those around me to do the same, I foster a willingness to cooperate.
Closing Thoughts
Despite our cultural, social, and individual differences, we all share universal human needs.
We share physical needs such as food, water, shelter, sleep, and safety.
Emotional needs in the form of love, affection, belonging, and acceptance.
Psychological needs manifest as autonomy, self-esteem, and personal growth.
Social needs through connection, community, and meaningful relationships.
Intellectual needs that we pursue through learning, understanding, and mental stimulation.
And we have spiritual needs like purpose, meaning, and a sense of connection to something greater than oneself.
Relationships are a lifelong process that I can make harder or more enjoyable for myself and others.
How I communicate is a choice, regardless of the other party.
When Nonviolent Communication meets Pragmatic Thinking, it creates a compassionate, more effective communicator and problem-solver.
This journey towards better communication not only improves your relationships but also contributes to a more harmonious society.
Embrace this approach, and watch as your interactions become more fulfilling and meaningful, your problem-solving more efficient, and your overall quality of life improve.
The journey to better communication begins with a single constructive conversation. Why not make your next one count?
Thank you for reading. If you found value in my words, please share them with others.